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September 21, 2000 - Alien Secret Weapons To Take Over Earth

Highly crafty aliens are using special secret weapons in an ingenious plot to take over the Earth. Over the past few years, coffee and doughnut shops have sprouted everywhere. On most corners of any city or town, you'll see Starbucks, Tim Hortons, Second Cup, and many other similar shops. The invasion has begun.

Most people today can not live without coffee. The few who do not drink coffee, can't resist the mouth watering temptation of extremely affordable doughnuts. In fact, coffee and doughnuts are so affordable that they have influenced the entire business community. Since they are cheap and make us feel good, evil managers have been using them to allure us to go to those boring and useless meetings. Who can resist free coffee and doughnuts?

The crafty aliens have also been testing us by opening expensive coffee shops to see just how much we will pay for this stuff. We have fallen for it and forked out the dough.

A year ago, scientists have discovered an unknown element in Starbucks coffee that keeps it pipping hot for an extremely long period of time. Those scientists have disappeared without a trace.

We believe that the invasion began in the city of Cornwall. In fact, on one corner, there is two Tim Hortons, one of which is a drive through, and one Country Style Doughnuts shop. The city, with a population of about 40000, has well over a dozen doughnuts shops. How can all these businesses survive by selling 75 cent doughnuts and 50 cent coffee in a small city? Only in mass quantity.

Ottawa was most likely the next strategic target of invasion. On Bank street alone there are countless coffee shops at just about every corner.

Once we get completely addicted to these wonderful substances, the aliens will have their way with us. We will be helpless. It's just a matter of time. It's funny has to how most addictive drugs, like Cocaine and Crack, are illegal, yet coffee and doughnuts which are more addictive are legal. This leads us to believe there is a government conspiracy.

If you do not drink coffee and eat doughnuts, you will have to defend the Earth from the invasion. Be prepared. The Earth will be counting on you. You are our last hope.