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September 27, 2000 - Update on strange manhole cover story.

Thankfully, once again Jumpgate's Truely Tabloid readers have managed to get the information we need to keep you informed. "Samantha" [Not her real name] managed to get a statement from an alien regarding this troubling trend.

The statement was secreted out of Area 83, a location so secret that it is not even indicated on any maps and delivered to our reader by a member of the "Resistance" a mysterious group apparently resisting something, but are so secretive, no one really knows what.

In the statement, "Phil" [Not his real name], a member of the "Grey" race categorically denied that his species was involved in "such blatant sillyness so typical of the human race" and "perhaps those idiot Blues [Also know as Star Warriors] had something to do with it."

Fortunately, "Bob" [Not his real name], an avid Jumpgate Truely Tabloid reader is the owner of an out-of-the-way auto parts store in Nevada, and has various aliens dropping by to get parts for their ships.

He inquired when a "Blue" stopped in for some parts on his way home after finishing a video shoot with Eiffel 65, an Italian dance-music group. "Wally" [Not his real name] had this to say; "Although Shania Twain is wildly popular back home, and actually just finished a tour there, I don't think any members of my species would do that kind of thing here. Back home, on the other hand...".

So with this information in hand, we sought to speak with Johnny Quaker, the chief assistant supervisor of manhole covers for the Region of Ottawa-Carleton, and confront him with the new information. When we called his office however, we were told that unfortunately Mr. Quaker had met with misfortune over the previous weekend. It would appear that he had entered a Boston-Cream Donut-eating contest and his stomach ruptured after he finished his 85th donut.

He died in the hospital, as emergency technicians attempted to pump the donuts out of his stomach. After reading through the autopsy, some interesting information came to light in the toxicology report. It would appear that an unknown substance, which was in the donut mixture was the actual cause of death, causing the gastronomic trauma. It would appear that the alien threat is very real.